I have plans and some promises I’ve made to myself for 2011 but I’ve never been prone to New Years Resolutions. For some reason, every time I’ve made a resolution, told it to one or more people in an effort to make myself keep it, and then not perfectly kept it, I’ve just given up and tossed it fully aside.

This year I’ve made promises to myself on things I want to work on, not necessarily fully achieve but to see an improvement in. We’ll see how I do this time :)

2010, especially the last month, has been very hard for me. Not particularly an excuse for being a crappy blogger, I realize.

Things started to go bad on December 2nd when I was leaving work to go home, stopped behind another car at a crosswalk near my office to allow a pedestrian to cross, and was seriously rear-ended by another car (who did NOT stop). My poor car ended up being totaled between the severe rear-end damage and the fact I was pushed so hard into the car in front of me that my airbag went off. I had a huge bruise over most of my lower right leg and it swelled up to a huge extent. Only in the last week has it gone to almost looking normal again. Add in my head bending the support bars for my headrest and a severe case of whiplash and I was pretty much useless for weeks.

Then the great dealing with insurance companies started. The property settlement meant I had to kick in several thousand dollars to get back into the same model car in a current year (no used cars in acceptable configurations and colors were anywhere on this coast). I’m really annoyed at this – I paid cash for my car, it was less than 2 years old, had 19K miles and was in perfect condition. But I basically had no real choice on that settlement. It SUCKED. All for an accident where the person who hit me said he was doing under the speed limit, wasn’t distracted and had plenty of room. If you’re like me, the first question is “Then why didn’t you stop?”

The police officer who came to record the accident said he was being sent a citation. Good. This was a stupid accident that was totally preventable and hosed me over.

Then my niece was in a single car accident at highway speeds and totaled one of her parents’ cars. Thankfully she was banged up a bit but okay.

Then my sister-in-law was in an accident where she was hit by another car who was turning into a retail driveway and didn’t “see” her. She was okay and that car, at least, wasn’t totaled. It was still driveable but has front-end damage. She’s okay, if a bit stiff.

Then, just as I was getting better, one of my cats had a crisis and I rushed him to the vet. We first thought he had developed diabetes and when his blood glucose was getting under control, things looked good. Then we ran more blood tests and his kidney values went from “bad” to “truly terrible” and he got more anemic. I went from hope and prepping to care for a diabetic cat who could still have a good life to having to make a decision to euthanize him that day. I had a meltdown, seriously. It was one blow too many.

Mr. Maura has been my rock, though. He’s had to take time off work to ferry me around, hold me when I cried and pass lots of Kleenex. He also got stuck taking photos of The Ugly Leg on a daily basis for our records and photos of my poor totaled car.

I’m holding out hope 2011 will be better. I can’t take that many ongoing crises – really. I have things to do this year and am trying to get things back in order to get back to work. I’m even allowed to go back to the Evil Day Job on the 4th – and I’m HAPPY to be getting back to normal!

Today seemed to be one of those days. I took the day off from the Evil Day Job (partly to make up for last week’s failed “day off” attempt, partly because I felt yucky, and partly because I had a parent-teacher conference for the Minion) and I had resolved to laze around a bit, then do some kitchen work.

Hah.

About 11:15 or so, I decided I needed to run an errand because, well, if I didn’t get more wet cat food asap, i might find them feasting on my toes as I took a nap. It doesn’t matter that their food bowls were full of dry food – that’s only desperation food and they’d rather do me in and feast on my bones instead. Two of my cats were sitting in the door to the kitchen, where their food bowls are, and giving me the evil eye as they plotted the timing of their retribution.

I gathered my purse, my keys, checked all the doors and windows were secured, then set the alarm. On my way out the front door, I turned the lock on the knob. Then I shut the door and turned to lock the deadbolt……

Except the key was not on my keyring. I have a nice two part valet keyring that I like because I don’t break my nails getting keys on and off it. Apparently keys can find their ways off it too.

Yes, in fact I did check several times (I don’t keep many keys on the ring). I emptied my purse to see if it had come off inside it. No luck. I checked all over the car, despite the fact I knew I’d had it the day before in order to GET into the house when I got home. Logic be damned – but no luck there either.

I couldn’t even scream, but I was tempted to laugh hysterically. I mean, hey, this couldn’t really be happening, could it? I mean, what are the odds?

After briefly considering (and abandoning) the idea of breaking into the house, I called Mr. Maura.

Me: “Hi honey, whatcha doing?”

Him: “Working. Why?” (He sounded suspicious. Guess I should call him just for no reason more often, huh?)

Me: “Umm. I locked myself out of the house. Want to meet me for lunch?”

Him: (brief moment of silence) “How in the world did you manage that?”

Me: “I was leaving to run errands and my house key has disappeared off my keyring. I have no idea how. How about sushi – it’s not far from the hardware store where we can get a new key made.”

Him: (long pause this time, then a sigh). “Only you. Okay, it’s a slow day and we have the conference. How long will it take you to run your errands?”

Me: “About an hour.”

Him: “Alright. Let me get some stuff done and talk to my boss. I’ll call you back when I’m on my way. Are you SURE your key is missing.”

Me: “YES, I’m sure! Thank you. I love you.”

Him: “I love you too.”

I’ll note that I heard what suspiciously sounded like either allergies or an attempt to not break into laughter at the end of this conversation. I didn’t mention it and neither did he.

He did rescue me, though the trip to get the key turned into a tour of the entire hardware store where he petted power tools and barbeque grills.

I never did get the laze around part of the day. I did get a new house key and more wet cat food (for which the cats were most grateful) and we did make the conference.

The universe abhors a day off, I swear!

For some reason, over the last few months, I keep getting asked the same question: “How come you’re so cheerful?” This is sometimes followed with one or more reasons why the other person thinks I shouldn’t be so cheerful:

• The weather sucks.
• The economy sucks.
• You got laid off.
• You’ve got a cold.
• You’re behind on your deadlines.

Finally I sat down and really thought about why this kept coming up and came to a couple of conclusions that have never been quite so readily apparent to me about myself.

First you have to understand that I’m a control freak but I’m a weird one – I want to control things but when I CAN’T, I am able to let it go. This is not true for all control freaks but I think I’ve cultivated it over the years in an effort to retain how little sanity I might have. I’ve always known that I’m a control freak but I never honestly thought about the fact I’m a non-standard one before.

I think, honestly, part of my cheerfulness comes from what I deem of as “happy”. I think modern culture and media do us a disservice in the way they try to portray “happy” as some sort of ecstatic state where you are darned near bouncing off the walls. The implication being that if you are NOT in that ecstatic state, you are NOT happy. I am happy most of the time, really, and not ecstatic. I am content with my world, my life, my friends, my family. I am rarely miserable or unhappy but I am rarely ecstatic. This personal view is, I think, part of why my personality is what it is.

Another part comes from the fact that I am very pragmatic and action-oriented. Whatever world exists today IS the world I need to deal with. If I want to change that world, I work toward that end and instead of complaining and whining that it’s not what I want, I work to make it what I want. Small, slow steps sometimes, but steps nonetheless.

For me, at least, complaining a lot about something only makes me focus on it. I DO complain sometimes, mostly to friends, but I try to moderate it. Not even for their sake (they’re usually quite sweet about listening and offering advice and comfort – I love my friends) but more for my own sake. No amount of whining and moaning will change the reality that exists that moment, but if I put my energy into changing what I can and what is import to me, I can affect that reality in the future.

Don’t get me wrong, I can whine and have a huge pity party with the best of them, but I try and continue to try to ask myself if whatever I am tempted to whine about is really worth that amount of energy and attention. Sometimes I give myself a little while to mutter and whine, then move on.

The weather may be cold, gloomy and rainy but my whining that I want to be somewhere else won’t change it – instead I’ll just feel colder and more miserable.

If I ate something I shouldn’t have and now I don’t feel well, no amount of whining will help that. I can change the reality by NOT doing something I know is risky in the first place. It’s my own damned fault, time to suck it up.

I have been lucky in a lot of ways but I also work hard to make my world what I want it to be, and I’m happy. Most other things are day-to-day annoyances that pass even faster if I don’t give them power over me by giving them energy and voice. I don’t do the affirmation thing but it works for others. Instead I just concentrate on being happy with my reality, even if it’s not perfect. I’m cheerful because I really AM happy.